Sports Caveman Ugh-Lympics 1

In the dawn of time, primitive cavemen roamed the earth along with some pretty gnarly creatures. Not that cavemen weren't pretty gnarly themselves. They weren't real smart - they were actually pretty stupid. They had no sense of fashion, mostly because there were no malls to shop at. And they looked like a cross between a gorilla and the ugliest person you know.

For them, survival was a full-time job. But as always, there were some party animals in the bunch. It was a rebel mob of cavemen that decided to turn the dangers of everyday life into a competition to find the best athletes of the tribe.

They called it Cavemen Games. Six top cave-athletes competing in six gruelling events. It's party-time in Caveland, and you're invited!


You can pick between 6 different cavement, each of which has their own special talents. Gronk and Vincent are outliers, but the remaining 4 all have specialised in 2 of the events. Gronk is good at all of them, so he's a solid choice for beginners. Vincent is a nerd, who is only competing to impress a woman, and thus suitable for more experienced players.


The events you can participate in are:

Mate Toss: Grab your partner by the hair, hold down ENTER, and hit the arrow keys in a counter-clockwise fashion. Once you're at the top speed, as indicated by speedlines, release the ENTER key to toss your partner.

Tips from Blorg: "Start slow then faster faster. If speed up too fast, stumble back and forth. Spin too long make tired and turn many colors. Not good for throw. Throw up, too."

Fire making: Rub two sticks together by alternating the LEFT and RIGHT key. Once the colour of the bar turns red, shortly after sparks will start falling. Once the sparks hit your tinder, press DOWN repeatedly a few times to add some air. Smoke will start appearing, inhale by using UP, and blow on the fire using DOWN.

You can hit your opponent by pressing and holding the ENTER key. If your opponent does this to you, duck by using the DOWN key.

Tips from Blorg: "Important to breathe. Cannot blow if not breathe. And not blow too fast or make stars over head and hear funny tweeting. Three stars over head mean trouble near. One dizzy caveman. Blow, breathe, blow, breathe. Simple unless you Neanderthal."

Clubbing: Victory can be obtained by either forcing your opponent back off the platform, or simply beating him into submission. The first part of the event is the intimidation phase, where you try to obtain a good position (forcing your opponent as far back as possible). This is done by yelling, jumping, etc. which is achieved by rapidly pushing random arrow keys.

The second phase is clubbing the crap out of them. You have a number of moves like the knee bash (DOWN + ENTER). Perform three knee bashes in succession, and your opponent will hop backwards in pain. The Overhead Smash is done by pressing the UP button and then ENTER. Overhead smash is a great counter against the Knee Bash. The Face BOP is performed by just hitting ENTER while next to your opponent. You can counter your opponents moves by holding the DOWN button.

You can also distract your opponent by holding ENTER, making your cavemen point, and your opponent look, leaving him wide open for your attacks.

Blorg: "You get bash hard, stars dance on head. You not can bash back. Me suggest you not get hit."

Saber Race: Race your opponent against a saber tooth tiger. The fastest one ends up the winner, the slower one as diner. Run by alternating the LEFT and RIGHT key. Jump over puddles and obstacles using the ENTER key.

Tips from Blorg: "Run too slow not good idea. And not let opponent catch up. He grab you by loincloth, toss you to kitty. Kitty eat you, you out of race. Simple."

Dino Vault: Jump over a dinosaur. You can determine the height of the dino in advance, and then have to make your cavemen run by alternating LEFT and RIGHT to the sound of the footsteps. Once you get close to edge, hit ENTER plant the pole. Release ENTER just before the pole is fully extended.

Dino Race: Ride your dino to victory, while avoiding obstacles. Once the race starts, tap the RIGHT button to get your dino up to speed. You can then attempt to have it enter turbo mode, by tapping the UP button. This will get the dino to move by itself for a while.

Jump over robstacles using the ENTER key.

Tip: "Must have running start to jump. Dino not want to jump - back up, try again. Do right or eat rock."